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 LANGUAGE FOR GROWING CHILDREN
OF PEACE
by Anita Remignanti, Ph.D.

One way children learn about peace early in life is from their language environment.  World peace will depend largely upon the training and education of our children.  It is in the interest of world peace that our children are taught the language of peace and enlightened communication early in life.

The young child skillfully and expediently acquires language and communication ability within the first 2 1/2 years of life.  This tremendous accomplishment, the use of language to communicate, comes about through the interaction of the child and his or her caretakers.

Caretakers can serve humanity in a vital way by teaching peace through language.  The language of peace involves kindness, courtesy and benevolence.  The language of peace maintains patience under stress and perseverance with frustration.  The language of peace fosters honesty and justice delivered with respect and consideration.  Peaceful communications is firm and forthright.  It is not motivated out of fear or weakness; it emerges from confidence and integrated character.

Teaching peace through communication sometimes requires silence as an alternative to impulsive statements or judgmental evaluation.  Talking for peace requires empathy and compassion.  We can usually understand another person's point of view if we stop and think.  Then, and only then, can we generate peaceful conversation and formulate peaceful response.

A great thinker has claimed, "A kindly tongue in the lodestone of the hearts of men."  A Lodestone is a magnet and this statement summarizes the effects of peaceful language.  People are attracted to a person who talks with kindness; attraction and unity are at the heart of world peace.

As a psychologist, I have had the opportunity to listen to many children and their parents engaging in troubled communication.  I have also discussed at length with parents their ideas on appropriate communication.  It has struck me that much of the language I have heard is not conducive to family peace nor world peace.

I do not intend to focus on the negative, but it may be that a discussion of non-peaceful language may help parents, teachers and caretakers consider some ideas from my work.

HATE STATEMENTS

"Hate" is a strong and offensive word that reflects intense negative feeling in the speaker and may arouse the listener likewise.  Hate is a feeling that is not conducive to unity in a relationship, nation or world.  It is my observation that real hatred must be bred and cultivated and it is not a feeling as common as the word is used.

I have heard parents use the word "hate" frequently and without concern for its effects on children.  I have encouraged parents to describe their feelings without using the word "hate" and the result is almost always far more benign.  For example:
A parent:  "I hate it when you leave your toys on the stairs."
Rephrase:  "It annoys me when you leave your toys on the stairs."

NEGATIVE WORDS

Negative words that attract young children are stupid, idiot, dumb, and various scatological terms.  Most preschoolers use swear words only occasionally, if ever, and are discouraged from doing so by parents.  School-aged children use swear words occasionally; many adolescents use a variety of swear words and obscenities frequently.

The use of all these words is, at the least, unnecessary, and, at the worst, detrimental to harmony, unity and peace.  The widespread use of negative words in our culture may reflect desperation and alienation.   It clearly reflects a lack of high standards and creative use of language.

I have discussed with troubled parents changing the negative words they use to evaluate their children.  "That stinks", can become, "I don't care for that."  "You're a bad boy." can be changed to "That behavior is hurtful."  Parents must model language for peace if they want their children to learn peace.

THREATS

Parents are obliged to provide consequences for their children's misbehavior, yet threatening is qualitatively different and counterproductive.  Setting limits, providing natural consequences and time-out, and using if-then statements to teach children are all useful strategies.  These strategies should be used in ways that do not threaten a child; that is, make him or her feel insecure, anxious and less esteemed.

Threats are usually unplanned and dire statements made to frighten and coerce a child into behavior.  There is often a physical component to a threat.  "I will spank you if you don't stop whining."  A planned discipline measure is not threatening in that it is expected and understood.  For example, "If you whine, I will not be able to talk with you now."  This plan has been explained beforehand and lack of parental attention is the natural consequence of whining.  In this way, a child is not frightened into behaving; rather, he/she can make a choice.

When children or adults feel controlled by threats, they tend to resent the people using threats and predictably use threats themselves.  Threats alienate people and are a clear source of disunity.

HOPELESSNESS

There are many ways that language reflects a sense of hopelessness, particularly to young children who are in the process of mastering the myriad of life skills required in our culture.  "I have had it with you."  "You'll never learn to help."   "You might as well quit now."  "I'm through trying to teach you to be nice."  "All the other kids listen to their mothers, what's wrong with you?"

All the above statements reflect a kind of hopelessness and futility with the child and his abilities.  It is common to become exasperated when teaching children, but is critical to their self-esteem not to speak in a hopeless way about them.

Children learn and master new goals in small increments and sometimes in bursts.  Support and patience from adults while they are learning is paramount.  Criticism and evaluation must be supplied in a way that will not burden them, reduce their self-esteem and result in a defeatist attitude.

Some adults feel that it is foolish to hope for world peace--the goal is insurmountable.  There are people who believe that world peace will come.  In all likelihood, world peace will come about through small, successive approximations by individuals toward the large goal of unity.  Support and patience are necessary for adults to learn steps toward unity and the hopeful among us believe unity will be realized through small increments and little bursts of learning--the same way children learn.

COMMANDS

Typically, adults do not speak to each other in commands and directives unless they are softened in some courteous manner.  "Close the window" is softened to "Would you please close the window?" or "Let the dog out," becomes, "The dog needs to go out."  An adult who speaks to other adults in commands and directives usually feels superordinate or is unaware of the necessity to speak courteously.  Unfortunately, the rules for softening commands are often omitted by adults when speaking to children.  There are times when danger is present that adults must use quick commands with either a child or an adult.

In observing parents and children, it has become clear to me that children are commanded in a strict and imperative manner in the absence of urgency.  Parents are often under time-pressure, feel stressed and have many things to accomplish.  Life becomes accomplishment-oriented and goal-oriented.  Children pay the price for this as they are commanded and spoken to in a subordinate manner.  Children are not subordinate to adults although they are weaker, less knowledgeable and in great need of guidance.  Children can exasperate the most patient adult and it is understandable that we command them harshly at times for the sake of expediency.  In principle, however, children should be spoken to in the way they are required to speak to other people.

"Modeling" is a powerful force of childhood, and there is no doubt that children will speak in the way they are spoken to.  Young children may speak respectfully to adults out of fear, even given an inappropriate model, yet to other children their "commanding" will become evident.  During adolescence, the "commanded" youngster may turn it on the parents.

Language provides a strong and pervasive opportunity for all people to incorporate principles of unity and world peace.  What we say, and how we say it, reflects our deepest attitudes about human potential.  We can teach this to children through our language and reiterate it incessantly with every utterance.  In our fast moving world, it is easy to lose sight of how our words affect children and adults.  Our language can go a long way in proclaiming our belief in the oneness of humankind and hope for the unity of the globe.  The phrase, "A kindly tongue is the lodestone of the hearts of men" epitomizes our goals.