HOME

PEACEFUL CONFLICT?

Most of us think of peaceful conflict as a contradiction in terms.  We see conflict as something awful which happens when resources are scarce, our needs are unmet and we meet people with different values from our own.

Our approaches to conflict vary:  we ignore or deny it, we prepare to do battle; we say, "don't get mad, get even", we rush to stop conflict as quickly as possible, we sometimes punish or even plot to harm or kill those who disagree with us.  Anger, vengeance or hate are often associated with conflict.

CONFLICT AS AN OPPORTUNITY

However, conflict can be positive and constructive if we change our habitual response to it.  This demands our awareness of how we perpetuate negativity, the development of communication skills, and a willingness to change not only our perceptions but also our behavior.  Viewed in this way, conflict provides us an opportunity to learn about ourselves and others.

WHAT IS MEDIATION?

Mediation, the use of a neutral third party to help persons involved in a dispute to resolve their own conflicts, helps develop awareness, communication skills, and a willingness to change.  Mediation is a model which comes to us from the legal system.  It is an alternative being used to relieve our overburdened courts.  Communities and schools are justly proud of their neighborhood justice centers and school mediation programs.  Judges are relieved to refer family settlements to mediation because they know the needs of children are better served when parents set aside differences and focus on the common good of the family.  Likewise, school administrators look to mediation as a positive alternative to discipline.  Not only does it reduce the need for punishment, it helps prevent future problems.

HOW IS MEDIATION DIFFERENT?

Mediation differs significantly from court mandated solutions.  The emphasis is on clarifying alternatives for agreement, keeping control of the solution in the hands of those who are affected by the outcome, and sustaining the relationship between those in conflict.  Most mediations depend on the good faith of the participants rather than legal coercion to ensure agreements are reached and carried out.  Success rates of 87% or higher are the rule, according to most reports!  Let us examine how mediation works.

LAYING THE FOUNDATION

Pure motives are a sense of detachment on the part of participant is highly desirable. 
Ground rules which foster a sense of respect, fairness, and commitment to achieving mutually satisfying outcomes are:

      1.  Each person is given the opportunity to explain the story from his/her own view. 
           While this is going on, the other party is asked to listen carefully and try to understand
           how the other person sees it.

     2.   Courteous and moderate speech is expected and maintained.  Specifically, 
           interruptions, accusations, name-calling or blame is discouraged.  Knowing that "their 
           turn is coming" is usually sufficient to help participants live within these guidelines.

     3.   Each participant is expected to listen to the other.  They may be asked to repeat back 
           what they have heard to make sure that a genuine effort is being made to hear the 
           other person's point of view.  This process provides a check for accuracy which clears 
           up misunderstandings as they occur.  It is helpful to point out that understanding what 
           the speaker has said does not necessarily imply agreement.

     4.   Shared interests which have been expressed are emphasized.  Implicit in the 
           agreement to mediate is the desire to sustain at least a working relationship with the 
           other person.  (Otherwise, why bother with mediation at all?)  This is easily forgotten
           unless reinforced.  e.g. "Even though you disagree on visitation procedures, you both
           clearly place your children's best interests first."  Pointing out common ground from 
           the outset is important in laying the foundation for what follows.

EXPLORING UNDERLYING INTERESTS

Open-ended questions and careful management of the emotional climate are critical to in-depth mediation.  People often get "stuck" in their position and their real interests get ignored.  e.g. "If you come home late one more time, I'll leave you."  The "words" of threat in this position are so loud, the "music" of the hurt and worry underneath is lost to the listener.  Questions may be legitimately used to:

     1.    get more information ("what? when? where? who?")
     2.    explore expectations, hopes, fears, and concerns ("Can you             help us understand what that means to you?")
     3.    check perceptions ("It seems as though you feel...Is that it?")
     4.    clarify assumptions ("Could this be what's going on?  When             he said that, you assumed…")
     5.    develop an appreciation for the other's point of view ("If what             you assumed is true, what meaning would that have for…?")
     6.    remind participants of what they have at stake ("What will             happen if you cannot resolve this conflict?")

Inviting this kind of frank and unfettered expression may transform feelings of estrangement, anger and hopelessness into a spirit of fellowship and mutual concern for a greater good.  At the very least, questions such as these acknowledge the difficulty of the problem and confirm feelings are worthy of careful consideration.  Lack of censure or judgement, the moderation and courtesy cultivated in the process, the full attention to the facts and feelings combine to create the climate necessary for the participants to move forward to the next phase of mediation.

CREATING ALTERNATIVES FOR AGREEMENT

Many agreements have already been made at this point and it is often helpful to mention and reinforce them.  For example, participants have agreed a mediated solution is important to both of them, they have been able to discuss the issues in a forthright and courteous way, and they now agree to work together to come up with ideas that will meet each of their needs.

Cultivating a sense of detachment among participants helps spark creativity and flexibility in the options they offer.  This can be done in several ways.
 

1. Encourage participants to create first and evaluate later.  Criticism severely limits the willingness to put forth ideas and is almost certain to stifle feelings of generosity and good will.  Creativity is an organic process which thrives on diversity and can yield outcomes no one person alone could have imagined.
2. Help participants expand the number of options under consideration.  There is a tendency to look for a single "best answer."  Be willing to wait while participants wrestle with coming up with new ideas.
3. Discourage "ownership" of ideas.  Once offered, suggestions become "community property."  The main purpose of mediation is to develop equitable and just solutions, not to prove who is "right."
4. Break issues down into "bite-sized" pieces.  Begin with an issue that seems to present the greatest opportunity for resolution.  Little by little, step by step, agreements build trust and mutual confidence.
5. Focus on common interests, cultivate offers, and discourage threats.  Emphasize the gains to be made in continuing a relationship, explore opportunities for mutual benefit, raise the negotiation to the level of principle where agreement is much easier.

Having created a climate in which participants were free to focus on solving problems instead of protecting their interests, mediation must now move toward its conclusion.

REACHING AN AGREEMENT

Participants now determine which of the options they generated have the most promise.  Those chosen need to be reviewed to see if they are realistic and consistent with expectations of both persons.

Agreements may be written, or oral.  They should be:
 

1. In simple language
2. Specific (who, what, when, where, and how)
3. Balanced, equitable
4. Positive (emphasizing what participants will do)
5. Provide for the future ("what if…?")

Our complex, diverse and interdependent society demands we relinquish the outmoded idea that there are "enemies" among our fellow man.  Instead, our survival depends on the peaceful expression of differences and cooperative approach to meet human needs.

Ideally, people consult together and decide for themselves how to come to terms.  However, sometimes situations do not permit this degree of cooperation.  Before relinquishing control to someone else, mediation can be a solution.  The role of mediator is that of a neutral servant to the process.  Through mediation, participants can gain new insight into assumptions about individuals and begin to appreciate conflict and diversity as of benefit to everyone.

HOME