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 PEACE AND CHILD-REARING
by Anita Remignanti, Ph.D.

Parents are well-meaning and sincere human beings who set out to raise their children in the best way they can.  Children are small human beings who come into this world well-equipped perceptually and emotionally to learn from their parents.  From birth children behave in a myriad of different ways depending on what they need and how they feel.  All of children's initial behaviors are neutral, they are clearly not bad and in some behaviors we can see motives which are intended to aid or help others.  When a baby grasps a glass object and lets it smash to the floor, most adults will agree there is no harmful intent.  Interpreting baby's behavior gets more difficult for parents as s/he grows and learns.  A two-year old who throws herself onto a crowded supermarket floor in a fit  of rage is acting developmentally appropriate.  It is often hard for mother to remember this because the event is upsetting and disruptive, not to mention embarrassing.

There are many different ways to handle the oppositional two-year-old and the variety of opinions expressed by pediatricians and child psychologists attest to this.  In fact, there are different effective techniques for handling most of child rearing issues.  One essential feature that distinguishes effective from non-effective child-rearing techniques is the promotion of PEACE.  Peace means unity, cooperation, love and understanding (knowledge).

I believe every interaction a parent has with his or her child can reflect peace.  There is a way to express peace to a child continually throughout the day.  Routine activities provide ample opportunity to show peaceful behavior and solutions.  As well there are times when critical moments arise in children's lives and explicit teaching for peace must take place.

Let me start giving examples of peaceful child-rearing by imagining a few of the everyday interactions of mothers, fathers, and children.  Morning is a time for reuniting after a long sleep and the unity of family can be enjoyed and openly expressed.  "It's so nice to see your happy face."  "I hope you slept well and are ready to start a nice day together."  For the less verbally inclined in the morning, single hugs, a kiss, a rub on the head communicate a warm sense of unity.  The idea is to teach a child in the morning, with the first interaction of the day, that you are all unified, interdependent and happy about it.  Greetings for the rest of the day can be modeled after the warm morning greetings to promote a continued sense of unity and closeness.  Saying good-bye when the child or parent leaves affords a similar opportunity to reassure and reaffirm to a child the solidarity and unity of the family.  There are many other ways to teach unity to children.  Making special family time together and creating unique family routines which all members enjoy are natural lessons on unity.

The practical issues of breakfast, hygiene and dressing are all potentially conflicting for parents and children, particularly if one member has to be out of the house early for school or work.  The important peace message at this juncture is cooperation.  To teach cooperation parents set up a three-stage cycle.  Parents must:  1) determine developmentally appropriate behavior, 2) set limits, 3) provide consequences for the child's behavior.  For example, a parent may decide the children must dress and wash before morning TV (or whatever the child enjoys in the morning).  The limit set for the children is proper grooming before TV and the consequence for failure is no TV.

Parents are urged to cooperate with society by teaching their children the next element of peace--cooperation.  Society can not benefit from valuable members if parents do not teach responsibility and cooperation.  The use of the three-stage cycle helps parents to teach cooperation continually all through the day.  First, a parent gets good at asking, "What is developmentally appropriate for my child now?"  To answer the question parents may need to talk to other parents, read books or consult professionals.  Secondly, after a parent decides a certain behavior is appropriate s/he sets a limit:  John (4 years old) will pick up his toys and  put them away properly before he goes out to play with his friends.  Las of all, parents decide what the consequence will be for performing the required task.  John my be allowed to go outside if he picks up his toys but must stay inside if he does not comply.  Clearly, the consequence must be chosen by the parent based on how valuable and meaningful the reward is to the child.

Parents love their children in a natural and spontaneous way under normal circumstances.  Children behave in many ways all during the day to elicit love and nurturing from their parents.  It is clear that love is a mutual feeling for parents and children, and love is essential in order to have peace.  The difficulties of life often obscure feelings of love for people as well as parents as they train and teach their children.  Parents' (and people in general) own lack of self-confidence, misguided values, fatigue and stress often diminish their expressions of love.  To promote peace it is essential for parents to express the love they feel for their children.

Children benefit from being taught about their own feelings of love.  Siblings typically love each other a great deal in spite of commonplace quarreling and jealousy.  A sister (6 years old) grabs a piece of paper out of her younger brother's (4 years old) hand and in the process gives him a paper cut which begins to bleed.  The sister's momentary anger is immediately replaced by remorse and some guilt.  A parent intervenes first to teach proper asking for the paper on the sister's part, good sharing on the brother's part and finally the "feeling" lesson.  The sister would benefit from understanding that she felt fleeting annoyance because the brother would not hand over the papers.  Then her remorse came because she loves her brother and that is praiseworthy.  After the love is acknowledged and praised, consequences are set for the behaviors.

In all of parenting, from teaching table manners to helping with algebra, there is a great deal of talking.  Children are stimulated cognitively by the routine verbal exchanges as well as the more erudite discussions.  It is fascinating to observe the voracious verbal and intellectual appetite of the child from preschool to young adulthood.  Children want to talk to their parents even though they may not act like it as they approach adolescence.  Researchers have found that young people, independent of how rebellious they act with their parents, adopt very similar values and modes of thinking to their parents.  They adopt similar values because they "attend" to what their parents say to them and to other people.  The point to be made here is that it is extremely important (when explaining) the world to children, as a parent, that your words are meaningful to your children.  The message behind all the words must be peace, unity, cooperation, love and understanding. 

Settling disputes between children is an area where much explaining and analyzing is called for.  Children inevitably argue, have fights and have hurt feelings.  Underlying this process of disputing, children are drawing covert conclusions about others motives, intents and evaluations.  Joe grabs a ball from Bill and tosses it to Rick.  Bill becomes angry and tackles Rick.  Rick slugs Bill.  Mom sees the tussle starting and intervenes.  The usual parental question is "What's going on here?"  Mom gets the story and helps the boys to figure out "intent".  "Bill, did Rick really do anything hurtful to you?"  "Was it right to tackle Rick?"  "Who really started the trouble?"  "Did Joe mean to hurt you or was he just playing?"

As in the example, children need help sorting out reality and the truth; they need support or assigning accurate motives.  All of this comprises "understanding", an essential element in the peace formula.

In spite of more mothers in the work force presently, mothers still spend more time with their children and settle more disputes than do fathers.  Recent evidence suggests that mothers (women) may arbitrate disputes with a central focus on equitable results.  Women may also arbitrate in a more persistent way in order to prevent fighting.  If, in fact, mothers bring these skills to arbitrating children's disputes, then mothers' role as peace-keepers and peace-teachers in clear.

Understanding and knowledge are broad concepts ranging from knowledge of interpersonal interactions to understanding science and mathematics.  Our society focuses its educational curriculum on reading, writing and arithmetic to the virtual exclusion of interpersonal constructs to promote world peace.  Consequently, children learn about the latter from their parents and as parents we must make every effort to teach the pursuit of peace through interpersonal relations. 

The vital elements of peace have been suggested to by unity, cooperation, love and understanding.  I have attempted to briefly describe how each element of peace is applicable to the daily lives of parents and their children.  Children are potentially the light of the world and they are our hope as future peace-keepers of the world.  This perspective helps to emphasize the urgency of our task in parenting for peace.